You can't special order awesome
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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