During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
