Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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