I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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