I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
