You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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