Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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