What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
