They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
bring money and cleavage
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
