Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
