I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
