VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
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I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
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There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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