who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
