3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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