Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
