You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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