I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
