there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
