I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
