Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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