i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
