You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
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The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
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Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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