i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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