shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
