Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
