Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
