i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
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We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
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Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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