He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
