I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
