I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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