I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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