plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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