The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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