Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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