just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
