he wants to bone in the snuggie
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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