I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
