yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I didn't notice because vodka
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
