I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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