She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
