I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
