I'm going to jail i love you
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
