My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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