I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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