i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
