Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
