just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
