I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
so let's talk penis.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
