I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
