you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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