I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
