while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
