i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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