I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
